baby steps, big changes

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, concerned citizens can change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has."

— margaret mead

CONGRATULATIONS, SPOP 2009 STAFF !
& anyone and everyone else that has been
given a solid opportunity to change lives

... and for those feeling downtrodden or in the dumps, remember:
if an opportunity isn't given to you, then create one for yourself
<3

the base.

I would do anything and everything in my power to not fall in love-- at least not now, not yet.

I went on a Cha chat with my really good friend just a few minutes ago. She and I used to have these all the time. We're both pretty busy people and I think pretty different personalities but she and I somehow connect, are in some way bound through one of the most basic functions (or is it necessities) of friendship: companionship. I enjoy her company and conversation and I believe her to feel the same about me, and so every few weeks or months we get together in the wee hours of the night, go to Cha, grab some bev, and chitchat. Now, to the core of what I left with....

She and I talked-- moreso, she talked and I listened-- about her feelings towards her boyfriend and the uncertainty of their future. It was a most peculiar situation-- not because the situation itself is uncommon because I'm almost certain there are quite a few couples who have struggled and will struggle through this as well-- but it is peculiar in the way that for the first time after discussing love and relationships, the dialogue closed with me feeling rather disheartened. [I digress: I don't know why I've been writing these types of entries about love lately, but I'll posit for the time being that I'm doing so because I generally don't like to discuss these types of things with friends or acquaintances in real-life everyday conversations and tend to avoid instances in which such a subject might be brought up. I'll accept this reasoning for now and continue with my original train of thought.]

She and her boyfriend have overcome a lot to be together. They worked in the same place for a bit and they were friends for a while before they even discussed the idea of being together, as he was going through a hard breakup and she was getting over a breakup with her long-term boyfriend. They both, too, have rather distinct personalities but the one thing that is keeping them together is also one of the most base of all close human interactions: love. Extreme, unadulterated, (so far) unwavering love. They care for each other deeply but the thing is that they're both pretty rational, logical people. They're not dreamers or idealists. She is willing to take risks and while he may seem like he readily does so as well, he tends to stick with what is comfortable to him, what he knows. The problem is that although they both love and care for each other, their future is uncertain and not because of the typical natural dilemma that no one knows for sure what the future will bring but because a chunk of their future will be determined by other decisions that will not be their own; they will be his parents'. His parents and grandparents, upon hearing that he and my friend have gotten quite serious, have openly expressed numerous times and with much force that they do not approve of her ethnicity. She does not share his past or their culture and she cannot, perhaps will not share his future. He told her this, they have hinted at it; this relationship, in essence, is only a transient event in their lives. My friend is the kind of person who gives all that she can of herself to things that she is devoted to, people that she loves. She makes me feel like the world and I'm only a friend, what more if I were a lover? She is at odds because she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she does not doubt this, yet his words belie his actions. He can't stop telling her that a future for them is an unlikely one, that she should not get her hopes up, that he must follow family tradition, and will heed his parents' wish when the time comes for them to express it. She hates not giving 100% of herself to the one that she loves when there are other things that equally demand or require her time and efforts which have a definitive future in them. She's at odds with herself because she doesn't know whether she should allow herself to love someone so much when the hope of it being more than just temporary is slim to none. This whole dilemma was spotlighted because she met his parents for the first time this past weekend and although she half-expected them to be a bit stand-offish and stuffy, her efforts and company were rather well-received. She simply told her boyfriend that she was happy with how the meeting went. He said she shouldn't get her hopes up.

What do you do when the one you love, the one you are in deep utter irrevocable love with tells you to not get your hopes up about your future? Often times couples meet this idea with the mind-set of 'cherish what you have now and if it's gone, don't regret. be glad that it happened' but what if the reason why it is gone and over isn't a direct result of your relationship with one another but of someone else's decision; some power that cracks the whip of tradition and demands that love bow in submission to preference and opinion? Is it really worth the while to love so hard when the decision has (almost) already been made? A grey sky perpetually looming in the backdrop of a seemingly sunny day, a foreboding presence of a third party that goes unseen.

It's a minute detail in her overstuffed and packed schedule and list of things-to-do, but for moments unguarded it consumes her being and drains the life in her. You want to love but you can't. We spend our days working hard so that we may change lives and build one for our self so that ultimately, there will be time and space and room for a love that will, if not complete, at the very least compliment us and our existence. At this stage of my life, there are chances for many like myself to begin a relationship and risk the possibility of it being restricted or robbed in that way. But I will do anything and everything in my power to not love that kind of love right now. I know the future is uncertain, but history tells a great deal of what is to be expected, and my record of relationships and luck in life have always taken a downturn far south of sour. I don't think I have enough of a foundation of myself yet or strength in me to endure. I don't want to get hurt again, esp. in that way. My heart could not take it. Maybe it's instinct, the way you pull your hand back when you touch something hot so as to not get burned. Call me a coward, call me irrational, call me stupid-- I don't care. I call it survival.

courage and choice

I have come to settle amidst much contemplation with the ideas brought up in my Philosophy classes, most notably my Existentialism one. Fear and Trembling, Either/Or, Sickness Unto Death-- all great reads, all which discuss experiences, thoughts, and contemplations I think many people (or at least quite a few acquaintances) have encountered.

I don't know why I choose to despair over this, but I will keep this short until I can figure out a more coherent way of articulating my thoughts. I, like many students before whose academic careers come to its end, am at odds with myself:

I have always floated along happily, existed so contently and perhaps smugly, within the idea of the possibility of me. ME, what and who I could possibly be. The possible "me's" that could exist always seemed far more appealing than the one that actually did exist. What we could be is more fantastical and hopeful than what we are. When an action is taken, when a limit is enforced, possibilities vanish and what was chosen, is.

It takes courage to accept who you are, and yet never actually be content with it. To willingly brave despair over wanting to be better and do better is hard, but it's something we must o. Often times people wish to be content, but that is only a limbo, being stuck in neutral. We have to maintain a yearning and a small sense of discontent. We have to keep moving forward. There is never anything for us which has passed. We may look back in retrospect, but we cannot choose or act in the past. Possibilities diminished cannot exist in the future. The young girl I was is fading away with the diminished possibility of who I can be; who I will be; who I am. I know this that may not make much sense, but again, I'm having a difficult time trying to say what I mean.

That said, I will only say this for now:

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
- ee cummings

I hope I can maintain that courage.

vday gifts and curses

Love is not lacking in my life. I love my friends a lot, my family a lot more, and my brother more than anyone or anything.

Yet, when Valentine's Day rolls around, I always feel anxious. When a person feels anxious, he or she tends to be anxious over something. But I don't know what it is I'm anxious over. When applying the word, it is often in anticipation of a future event or result. But with Valentine's Day I'm not looking forward to anything. I only see the past.

I am the kind of person who relives the past unwillingly. I like to think of myself as a forward thinker, living in the now and working towards tomorrow, but the past always comes back to haunt me. I don't like to bring up past events but apparently close friends and family members do. Sometimes I can muster up a hearty laugh over things that have come to pass, but often times I don't. Most of the time I can't.

If you know me well, and most don't, then you'd know my extensive record of "complicateds" and seeming unrequiteds. In the past 4 years or so I have had 3 men come into my life and awaken in me new ways of feeling. I gave a lot of myself to these relationships and received little to nothing in return, keenly aware of the uneven distribution of time and effort but recklessly hoping I'd be pleasantly surprised. I have had 3 men come into my life. I have learned to love them, each in their own way. And I have watched them all go on to love someone else. Their relationships with their significant others have lasted, but not ours. And the thing is, I'm not bitter or angry or sad. I am happy to know that they are all happy and in love-- even if I am not a part of it. Is this a gift or a curse: to live your days watching the ones you love, love others? I think what's confusing things is that I still love them all. Clearly, not in the same way their significant others love them, but still, a form of love nonetheless. They didn't want my love, and that's ok. So here I am with all this love, and I don't know what to do with it.

I've thought about it and it's not a love that can be employed in the field of humanitarian work I would like to do-- that's a different kind of love and thirst. It's a love that's reserved for a few, but I don't know why it's on keep for only a select people nor do I know for how long. It's just... there, chilling, like unclaimed baggage.

I spent this past Valentine's Day weekend in Palm Springs with two of my friends. Freshman year of college redefined Valentine's Day for me, throwing an incredibly dark veil over the already somber Hallmark holiday (for me, at least). I wanted to change that this year, but once again, the planets did not align in my favor. That Saturday night, while sitting in the dark on the fairway green (the house was situated on a golf course), one of the girls I was with brought him up. Him, the reason why for the past 3 years I spent Valentine's Day in a haze, in bed asleep, skipping class and refusing to step foot outside. I tried to dodge the subject, but once brought up, people tend to want to know the rest, treating it with the eagerness of a child hearing a fantastical new tale. But this is no bedtime story, and people don't get that. All 3 instances, all 3 relationships have ended abruptly and without any closure, and that just sucks.

This sounds so self-pitying, but allow me this one post. I will brush this aside like always, but that's just it: it's always set to the side until someone else wants to bring it up and I am instantly propelled into this weird cycle of analyzing how I feel and then coming to terms with my seeming acceptance of it all. Seeming? No, I have, I have. I... don't really know what the point of this entry was. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this Valentine's Day was like all the other past ones, except in a different zip code and with lots and lots of senior citizens.

I hope everyone had a good long weekend and is doing well. I haven't been out much so I feel like I haven't seen many familiar faces. Thank God for Norby, who somehow always always manages to make me feel special. And thank God for love...because although I may not "be someone's", I am someone who has love. And that is enough.

something to fight for

I'm a pretty patient person-- at least I think I am-- but the last few weeks prior to this past Thursday have been the most excruciatingly long days ever. The waiting period between that meeting and that email seemed like an eternity. It was as though my whole world was hanging on this one man's word, ready to fall and break into a million little pieces. Christmas didn't feel like Christmas; San Francisco, while fun, wasn't taken advantage of; and New Year's Eve and the "start of a new year, a new you" never felt so trite and unattainable. I often forgot to eat, didn't smile as wide, laugh as hard, or love as much as I could have... as I should have. I was robbed of the capacity to enjoy anything; to enjoy life. Everything was at a standstill. In limbo.

I have never fought so hard or fervently for something. I cried more in those few days than in my entire life, and never with such abandon. My chest never hurt the way it did when I thought of the real possibility of losing this routine, losing those memories, losing time, losing you. You... my spbrothers, my father, my mother, my spchildren, my bm and bl babies, my loves, my laughter, my heart. And in fighting for this, in fighting for more chances, for more time, in reasoning out why I can't go just yet.... I found myself holding onto you the least and the possibilities with and potential of you the most. I treated the idea that every hungry, tired, helpless face was yours. They will become mine, just as you have. And they need me more than you do now.

The days have never seemed longer; the need, greater. The potential you's are calling, crying, screaming for help. It may take longer than I had expected, but I am not doubtful, my intentions unwavering. I'm coming.

Thanks to my spbrudder suj, who is always there to hold me even when I am broken. You didn't need to say anything special or profound; words were beyond this. Just being there for me, in presence and silence, even when I know you're super busy, meant the world to me. To Kar, for listening to my 'reality tv-show' life stories and keeping ish hush hush. To my spchildren, for giving me love and hugs that you probably didn't know were like medicine to my soul. For Futch and Lambda: the greatest distractions and source of laughter I could've ever gotten. You know I mean that in the best way possible. Above all: Thank you, Teal and especially Gold... for giving me something to fight for.

This is me, all over again, but with a harder drive and a greater purpose.

abberation

GET UP
i'm trying i'm trying but the world knocks me down yes knocking right out the breath in me
GET UP
no i know i must go i know i must leave to find the better, make the better, be the better me
SO GO
i could, i should, i shall, and i will but the past from which i fell has broken me ill and the getting and the standing and the moving is so hard when everything i stood for began to fall apart and the weight of the world i felt i carried on my shoulders has left me in the cold and it's only getting colder
BUT WAIT
i won't let them get the best of me, no, now only the worst once undignified i realize just what my life is worth and i split the less from the meaning now meaningless no more and the meaning i will give it that comes from the core
OF WHAT
has arisen from the darkness under which i lay buried blind, suffocating my passions and choking my mind, and i was drowning in depression and flirting with despair, getting drunk off the idea of me going nowhere
BUT NOW
that i've awoken from a coma that lasted twenty-two years i'm caught dead in my tracks due to something i've feared, a letter given three times caused one strike to be sent home, struck me down and now the state of my future is unknown
OH PLEASE
dear God give me patience and understanding, the hurt i've incurred from this silence is so astounding and i bite my lip and choke on my words that forever go unsaid for if they were heard the hearts that bore me which i treasure the most will break into pieces and lose their hope and "the only thing they've ever done right" will suddenly be wronged and my life be a song tragically unsung
SO I WAIT
and i wait and i need strength to get through this cause without it i'm not so sure i can do it, just what i now know i'm put here to do, to learn and to serve and to be an instrument of You, and the world's starving hungry for a heart full of love well i suppose these times will show just what i'm made of whether words or promises or hopes so high that if given another chance i know i could fly
SO I WAIT
til those minds that don't know me decide the course of my learning and thus the course of my life but i pray with every ember of this body and soul that they hear what
I'M SCREAMING, i'm screaming out loud,
with every inch of my being this i know--
I'M BELIEVING, oh i'm believing,
I'M READY TO GO.

so give me that chance.

go light your world

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it."
~Lucy Larcom

Now, more than ever, on the eve of the day before my Finals start and the inevitability of my demise is realized, do I understand and accept this fact: I am leaving, for good. Not forever, but for good (reason). When I was younger, I remember my elementary school friends would always snicker at the priest when he said those final words, "Go forth, to love and serve the Lord." Oh, children. Those words have never resonated so strongly within me, reassuring me of what I have to do. I have spent a chunk of my adolescent life "praying"-- asking for things for myself, pleading and bargaining, creating ultimatums, seeking solutions. It was when I hit 15, after my world as I knew it had fallen apart, that I finally stopped all that and truly started praying. 'Conversations with the Big Guy,' as I started to consider them-- conversations that never ended.

I'm in a constant conversation with God, a never-ending dialogue of thoughts and thanks and hopes for the world. I periodically stop to watch squirrels run around, stand in Aldrich Park & watch people go about their lives, never thought it strange that when I'd see the horizon resting softly against the mountain backdrop a feeling of complete happiness and warmth would fill me-- never really thought these things peculiar until a friend pointed it out to me. Even if I'm having the worst day ever, there is always something I see that prompts me to stop and be thankful for living another day and being able to witness such beauty. There is always something beautiful, anytime, anywhere, everywhere.

Maybe that's why I'm not scared of leaving-- because I know I will find beauty and the same sort of faith in life wherever I go. There is beauty in service, in giving of yourself and not simply of your belongings. Friday was one of the longest days I have had in a while, simply because I had to wake up so early at 6AM to do Habitat for Humaity; it also turned out to be one of the most stressful. Yet, while a lot of crap hitting the fan and school sucking happened, I couldn't let myself get too down. Whenever I volunteer for HFH (or anything for that matter), I am humbled back into thinking as a citizen of the world. All my problems are so trifling in comparison to the injustices that are proliferating throughout the rest of the world. How did I let myself become so apathetic when the world is filled with people that aleady are? What a rollercoaster this year has been. An extreme high and feeling alive with Gold to the lowest low and feeling like a zombie. I'm glad, though, for I'll appreciate this all the more when it comes to fruition.

Anyway, while I was shoveling mulch onto the newly planted trees (yay!), I thought I heard a Church song that the DBT mixed chamber choir used to sing for Wednesday mass. It was my favorite song to sing and I remember feeling so happy whenever we did. It's so applicable to how I'm feeling right now, so I'll post some of the lyrics to share and hope it'll spark something.

It's sad that I'm only realizing and finally taking hold of what it is that makes me thrive, what makes me feel alive at the end of my years here at UCI. So many things that could have been done, issues that could have been addressed, situations that could have been helped. But it's ok. I just need to get through these college years-- or, whatever's left of this last year-- with some fire left in me. Oh college academic career... I have hope that I can make the best of you these final 2 quarters. I sure as heck will not go quietly into the night! My time here may be ending soon, but I know I'm still a youngin in comparison to the rest of the world. I won't take that for granted, though, because who's to know how many years I have left before I die? Live, live, live with such ardent ferver and give, give, give with all the heart you've got. I'm a journalist, so I live to tell stories... but I also want to live so that someone would want to tell mine :)

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home

So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world.