Certain Uncertainties

I haven't written here in such a long time, and I think it's because I'm a little disappointed in myself-- with where I am, what I've been doing, what I haven't done, what I have yet to decide, and where I've regressed to. This will be long, but I felt like I owed it to... somebody... to give an update. I'm turning 24 soon. I don't know if that means anything or heralds any kind of celebration or realization except that next year I can rent a car. I digress.

How can family lift you up and drag you down at the same time? I don't really talk to anyone anymore because I honestly don't know what I'm doing with myself and I don't want to have to explain these uncertainties to anyone because, honestly, I can't even explain it to myself. Every one of my old childhood friends has, in one way or another, commented on how I seem different. Cynical. Bitter. Jaded. It's easy to look at the world as a bright-eyed 13 year old child. It's easy to sustain a hunger for things you've never tasted, to not harbor an incessant longing for places you've never been. Everything then is impersonal. As you get older, you earn more rights but the tacked on years also afford slews of limitations and responsibilites. It's harder to 'be your own person' and 'follow your heart' when that's apparently not what's been expected of you-- or granted. I didn't realize I had entered into a contract when I was born-- I guess I missed the fine print.

Coming out of college, you realize that most people fall into two rather general categories: the realists and the dreamers. There are always a few exceptions who succeed in finding that middle ground, but for the most part (at least from what I've observed), these are the two. Neither one is better than the other, but I always thought myself the latter. It's easy to dream big things... but definitely not as easy to do them. The notion of money and how it really does make the world go round (or perhaps fall apart) has never felt so evil and restricting to me as it does now. It is, in all honesty, the only reason I am back here. Why I can't leave again. Why I have to stay. I've settled myself with the fact that I can't be a young and eager traveller or a student pursuing a higher education, at least not at the moment. From a dreamer's point of view, it all seems so sad and limiting. To a realist, it's just life. I feel not so much a dreamer anymore and most days, I'm okay with that.

But when the Holidays roll around and the disparity between those who possess the green and those who suffer from a lack of it is amplified tenfold, I can't help but feel like I'm betraying the 13 year old me. When I catch up on newsletters I'm sent by organizations and non-prof's with shocking news and statistics regarding the statuses of certain peoples and countries, I hurt. I attempt to discuss these things with the people around me (family), but my words fall short amidst their heated debates on whether Kobe Bryant has lost his mojo or how unfair it is that Bristol Palin didn't win Dancing With the Stars. I am disheartened by the situations I am made aware of; even more so by the reality that no one here understands why.

So I guess that's why I'm updating: an attempt to explain to myself why I couldn't start being the kind of person I wanted to be just yet. The realist in me understands that for the next few years, I have to stay and work and fulfill an agreement I never knew I had. It also understands the possibility that the 13 year old kid in me might not ever die. So in truth, maybe I'm a little bit of both.

Maybe everyone is.

everything as it was

nothing changes if nothing changes.

I shouldn't have made that deal, shouldn't have come back.

I wish I hadn't gotten on that plane.

I liked myself-- and you-- a lot better

when we were 6,000 miles and oceans apart.

Patience

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting-- that is laziness.
But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience."

Patience-- it's something that's come up a lot with experiences in the teaching program I'm doing. I'm not quite sure why it is exactly, but almost everyone I have come across has such an intolerance for having to wait... for anything. They have problems with waiting for a lagger, problems with waiting for a drink or a table or food, problems with waiting for a metro train, and most importantly (i think), problems with waiting for students. So many of the people in my program cannot tolerate a slow learner or a class that does not comprehend; so many will not put up with a colleague who does not follow, or one who does not speak just as fast.

I'm not quite sure why, but it's become an issue for me. I like to think that I'm a pretty patient person, but I know I can be impatient at times. The thing is, having been with these people for a while, I realized just how important patience is. Patience can mean starting a night off on a good note instead of a sour one; it can mean a student being able to catch up and finally understand instead of feeling stupid and inadequate; it can mean one's will being strengthened instead of being broken; it can mean settling for less when you know you deserve more.

This whole late-night thought has been brought to motion by a good friend's recent acceptance into Pharmacy School. Regina planned her life out so perfectly, and when things didn't exactly go according to plan, instead of just giving up and settling for less, she pushed through and held on-- waited-- for an entire year. While some people may have thought it crazy to wait one year, to put your life on hold just because you won't take 'no' for an answer, because you want and believe you deserve more-- she didn't care. And all that waiting, all that doubt, all that happened or didn't happen in that one year, everything, was worth it because she finally got what she deserved. And I find that so refreshing, so amazing, so brave-- to put your belief into something so wholeheartedly and simply wait, have patience, have faith--and actually see it through to the point of affirmation. How great is it when active patience is duly rewarded?

This is going into a weird direction, but I guess I just want to recognize the power of patience. So often you hear people talking about being proactive and being aggressive, but I've always been more the kind of person who mulls over something forever on end before making a move. Sometimes-- or often times-- people tell me it's a terrible thing to do, to wait for so long instead of doing something right away to achieve quick results. What most people fail to understand is that I'm not just floating along aimlessly anymore-- I have a destination, finally. And while my life for the past few months has not been the most exciting, exhilarating, or most profitable thing ever, it is a life that is lived in steady motion on a course set for a mark that I believe is worth all this wait.

I know I'm not making bank or rank or garnering any accomplished titles or fame with the things I'm doing, but as I learned from my teaching mentor, after all is said and done, no matter how great or how seemingly insignificant a lesson, if the aim is achieved, then nothing else matters. I aim to make a difference somehow, and if that means that things have to be steadily tough for quite a while, then I will hold on for as long as it takes to see this course through. When it comes to things that really matter, when the outcome really rings throughout the heart, I firmly believe that patience is a gift, and that it is always always worth the wait.

Be patient with the course on which you are sailing; the winds and tide will change soon enough. For now, while you can, enjoy the ride-- however fast or slow it may be.

another from bukowski

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind... It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like it. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

Charles Bukowski / Factotum

No more half-assing my way through life, coasting on the familiar college comfort of just "getting by." If I'm gonna put things on the line-- relationships, money, time -- then I have to give 100% and then some. If I don't, then why even try? "Trying" is more than just starting, more than a single attempt, more than just one piece of me my body my mind being put into motion. It is an active effort of every inch and piece of me, a continuous attempt to make that day count. You don't begin saying a joke for nothing; you see it through-- you do it for the punch line and the feeling of what you started being realized. When I look back on the things in my life and say "Well, I tried," I want to know that I really did try; that it's not just an excuse. I want to mean it. Because if I can truthfully say that, if I can believe that I pushed through day-to-day life for something more than just that, then the end result (no matter what it may be) would give meaning to everything else. It would be worth it-- all of it.

So here's to trying.

in other news...

I am leaving for Spain in two weeks.

I am at once really nervous and insanely excited. I know it's been a while since I last posted anything, but I really do hope everyone is doing well. Easter and Spring Break are coming up... I guess it's that time again for new beginnings :)

And just because I really like this quote (and partly to reassure myself), I leave you with this:

"There is a loftier ambition than merely
to stand high in the world: it is to stoop down
and lift mankind a little higher."

henry van dyke

: ) + ♥ ♥ ♥ !

letters to _____

dear ____,

i pray that when that Thursday comes, i will still have enough faith in myself for the both of us. and months from now, when the Friday which you have been longing for arrives, i hope that by then (or perhaps in the time after) you will think better of me.

sincerely,
stacy