fleeting

"We cannot know for certain how long we have here. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot know God's plan for us...

What we can do is to live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and love, and joy. We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves. We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we can strive at all costs to make a better world, so that someday, if we are blessed with the chance to look back on our time here, we can know that we spent it well; that we made a difference ; that our fleeting presence had a lasting impact on the lives of other human beings."

barack obama

I think I would die happily if I knew that I fought the good fight (whatever it may be), no matter the length of my stay here on this Earth. Maybe it's because I'm young and have yet to feel the pull of old age, but I find it-- for lack of a better word-- interesting how my parents put so much emphasis on growing old and retiring as their ultimate goal. I think of how they measure their happiness now and it saddens me somewhat. For example, they use their faith as an excuse for doing things; I see it as part of my reason. Sometimes I wish we shared the same views on life and work and service; alas, we do not.

But I'm trying to savor every good feeling and memory, and writing (or perhaps recording?) it all to remind me of how things are (were?). These people and things are beautiful, beautiful, I know; perhaps even more so amidst their flaws. Sometimes things can get heavy, but I'm thankful I'm allowed some room to breathe, even if it's just their way of humoring me and my so-called "wishful thinking." I'm just taking it as fuel for the fire, and all the more reason for me to hit the ground running. The rest of me is working really hard playing catch up with where my heart wants to be.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you were able to get some rest in. I can't believe it's already 10th week. Wowowee.... We're making our way 'round to the home stretch now-- just two more weeks, my friends :]

holiday parties & prep

...have always been my least favorite time of the year. The in-between days always seemed to matter the most to me. But these huge parties just drain and frustrate me. I have a huge family, so parties and dinners come in never-ending waves where one aunt always tries to outdo the other. I don't understand how they can take something so simple, something so genuinely good and simple-- like spending time together, laughing together, eating a good albeit (usually) unsophisticated meal together-- and turn it into something I've come to loathe. It's become one big terrible showcase. Cooking, which I normally love, becomes a task and a chore at this time. The best kind of meals come from cooking with love, and I hate feeling rushed or pressured. Nothing EVER tastes good to me, and it's THANKSGIVING for cryin' out loud! That SUCKS. Then there's the fake, biting conversations; the judgmental questions and comments; the searing stares and not-so-whispers; yadda yadda yadda. I don't recall the last time I truly enjoyed the company present at these family events. Even holiday dinners at home are laced with deep-seeded resentments and stuffed with an awkward silence so thick we can barely breathe to chew our food.

I hate the feeling lately that this environment is what's holding me back from doing what I want to, what I must do. My vision is getting clearer, and yet I still feel like I'm constantly walking through a fog. I don't know how things got so complicated for me. Sometimes I feel like there's no honest or genuine magic left in this season. I turn to my cousins to help me get by, but I know they have their own families and children to tend to; and friends are far and fleeting, although I am beyond grateful for the handful of ones still here who still reach out. I hope they know how much I appreciate their friendship, and just how much they mean to me.

What's getting me through these days is the knowledge that it will soon be over, and that real work (work that truly matters) will soon begin. I'm trying to pack my Winter Break with good company to avoid the hollow feeling these family events leave me with, and looking at what I have so far, I think I'll be seeing a lot of San Francisco this December and (hopefully!) Napa when this year turns to next. Oh! And I've been having the worst bouts of insomnia lately. I haven't gone to bed before 3AM lately and it's really screwing me over. I guess I'm just getting antsy. There is so much work waiting to be done; so much that is ready to happen.

I do hope your Holidays-- and well, why not ALL days?-- find you in good company; in comfort, in love. <3