the FINAL finals ::insert dramatic music here::

Congratulations to all those who are done with finals!! Time to celebrate by going to the pub and getting drunk or going to Vegas or, if you're like me, sleeping and rewatching all the Disney Pixar movies with me, myself, and I.

Anyway, finals week really wasn't a week for me. It's not even completely over, but it is for me. I had a final Philosophy of Jurisprudence discourse due Monday morning and one in-class final after lunch. After that, I had up until today to just tweak my digital teaching portfolio and go to an optional final meeting for my Teaching English Internationally class. Although I had to wake up early and sit through hour-and-a-half long traffic for an optional meeting that I didn't need, I am actually glad I went-- really, really glad. There was only a handful (ie 7 or so) of us there and I knew absolutely no one, but through our discussions of teaching aspirations and global service I got to know those 7 or so people in a way I don't think I have ever known any previous classmates. No one has ever prompted me to discuss such things in that manner-- which is not to say that I was opposed to it, it's just that I don't think anyone's ever wanted to engage in such a serious conversation with me-- but I am also really glad that they did.

I was pretty much done with my website long before Tuesday, so I ended up just going around helping everyone else with theirs and then staying late to talk to my teacher, Sonja. Words can't describe how much I appreciate and am grateful for that talk she and I had. I was a little hesitant to speak to her, because she always felt just a little cold and I wasn't too sure if she'd open up to me, but she was actually really cool. In fact, she's fucking hilarious. But she offered me something in those 10 minutes that no one in my entire collegiate career (except for my HumCore teacher aka the crazy curly-haired redhead that works at the pub) has ever offered me: reassurance. I asked her for advice on what programs to look into and what career moves to make, especially since I wasn't an Education minor. I confessed to her my struggle to synthesize the two parts of my life I hold closest. Although she never mentioned it in class, her work centers on global teaching in service (her parents were Christian missionaries). She had read my statement/philosophy of teaching and told me that I was a lot like her; that she saw so much of herself in me. She said something to me as we both walked out of the Education department. I wish every single person I know could, at some point in their life, feel that same feeling I felt the moment her words settled within me.... An early Christmas gift, I guess you could say. At any rate, I left feeling not so much elated as I did clear-minded and more determined.

As if that wasn't enough, after much praying and insistence (and restless nights & fights & frustration), they've finally accepted it. I was so fearful this moment wouldn't come, but it has. It finally has. It doesn't matter if things don't pan out the way I plan them to, or if my life takes me in a completely different direction-- it's the fact that they've finally consented to not to have to consent; that they've begun to really understand and for once, actually listen; that they're starting to let go; that they believe in me. Maybe they always have, but in the past that 'belief' felt so much more like an expectation than an active belief. But it's different now. Maybe I'm jumping the gun and getting too far ahead of myself, but I hope this isn't just a momentary feeling or condition. I really hope it isn't.

Right now, I am feeling lucky and blessed to have ended my college career feeling so inspired and with such reassurance. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday gift. I don't know what else to say, except... Thank You.

the crunch

this has nothing to do with anything, really, and i'm probably just using this as a distraction from my philosophy paper (ok, so I AM) but i honestly believe that i might have loved Charles Bukowski in another life. or adored him. or something.

he is one of my favorite --if not my absolute favorite-- writer(s)/poet(s). if you follow my Tumblr, perhaps you already know that i went on a crazy spree this past Summer and drove all around southern California looking for his out of print works, guzzling gallons of gas, and inhaling dust from old used bookstores. it was great. anyway, i guess i'll just get to the main reason of this post: as i was starting to write my essay, i was struggling with how i am to write this final discourse. growing up, our education has taught us to write with increasing sophistication essays and papers filled with uncommonly pompous words for which we probably consulted a thesaurus. in philosophy, the task in writing is not to spit out puffed up papers with fancy writing on simple ideas, but to simplify in as few words as possible the most complex ideas to give way for a better, more complete understanding. this led me to a tangent on writing and how, although i thoroughly enjoy fantastical poetry, most of the work that truly moves me is crafted in the simplest of ways with the simplest of words.

aaaaand here is where Bukowski comes in. his writing is so raw and so simple and moves me to no end. i wish there was a resurgence of beat gen. writers or maybe a new movement of writers who share the same idea(l)s. i think things are complicated enough as it is; we need literature to help simplify the base of our lives.

for your reading pleasure, i present to you a condensed version of my favorite Bukowski poem, " T h e C r u n c h."

Good luck on Finals, everyone!

& of course
Congratulations to the new 2010 SPOP Coords
:)

just a quote.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

meg cabot