I would do anything and everything in my power to not fall in love-- at least not now, not yet.
I went on a Cha chat with my really good friend just a few minutes ago. She and I used to have these all the time. We're both pretty busy people and I think pretty different personalities but she and I somehow connect, are in some way bound through one of the most basic functions (or is it necessities) of friendship: companionship. I enjoy her company and conversation and I believe her to feel the same about me, and so every few weeks or months we get together in the wee hours of the night, go to Cha, grab some bev, and chitchat. Now, to the core of what I left with....
She and I talked-- moreso, she talked and I listened-- about her feelings towards her boyfriend and the uncertainty of their future. It was a most peculiar situation-- not because the situation itself is uncommon because I'm almost certain there are quite a few couples who have struggled and will struggle through this as well-- but it is peculiar in the way that for the first time after discussing love and relationships, the dialogue closed with me feeling rather disheartened. [I digress: I don't know why I've been writing these types of entries about love lately, but I'll posit for the time being that I'm doing so because I generally don't like to discuss these types of things with friends or acquaintances in real-life everyday conversations and tend to avoid instances in which such a subject might be brought up. I'll accept this reasoning for now and continue with my original train of thought.]
She and her boyfriend have overcome a lot to be together. They worked in the same place for a bit and they were friends for a while before they even discussed the idea of being together, as he was going through a hard breakup and she was getting over a breakup with her long-term boyfriend. They both, too, have rather distinct personalities but the one thing that is keeping them together is also one of the most base of all close human interactions: love. Extreme, unadulterated, (so far) unwavering love. They care for each other deeply but the thing is that they're both pretty rational, logical people. They're not dreamers or idealists. She is willing to take risks and while he may seem like he readily does so as well, he tends to stick with what is comfortable to him, what he knows. The problem is that although they both love and care for each other, their future is uncertain and not because of the typical natural dilemma that no one knows for sure what the future will bring but because a chunk of their future will be determined by
other decisions that will not be their own; they will be his parents'. His parents and grandparents, upon hearing that he and my friend have gotten quite serious, have openly expressed numerous times and with much force that they do not approve of her ethnicity. She does not share his past or their culture and she cannot, perhaps will not share his future. He told her this, they have hinted at it; this relationship, in essence, is only a transient event in their lives. My friend is the kind of person who gives all that she can of herself to things that she is devoted to, people that she loves. She makes
me feel like the world and I'm only a friend, what more if I were a lover? She is at odds because she knows that her boyfriend loves her and she does not doubt this, yet his words belie his actions. He can't stop telling her that a future for them is an unlikely one, that she should not get her hopes up, that he
must follow family tradition, and
will heed his parents' wish when the time comes for them to express it. She hates not giving 100% of herself to the one that she loves when there are other things that equally demand or require her time and efforts which
have a definitive future in them. She's at odds with herself because she doesn't know whether she should allow herself to love someone so much when the hope of it being more than just temporary is slim to none. This whole dilemma was spotlighted because she met his parents for the first time this past weekend and although she half-expected them to be a bit stand-offish and stuffy, her efforts and company were rather well-received. She simply told her boyfriend that she was happy with how the meeting went. He said she shouldn't get her hopes up.
What do you do when the one you love, the one you are in deep utter irrevocable love with tells you to not get your hopes up about your future? Often times couples meet this idea with the mind-set of 'cherish what you have now and if it's gone, don't regret. be glad that it happened' but what if the reason why it is gone and over isn't a direct result of your relationship with one another but of someone else's decision; some power that cracks the whip of tradition and demands that love bow in submission to preference and opinion? Is it
really worth the while to love so hard when the decision has (almost) already been made? A grey sky perpetually looming in the backdrop of a seemingly sunny day, a foreboding presence of a third party that goes unseen.
It's a minute detail in her overstuffed and packed schedule and list of things-to-do, but for moments unguarded it consumes her being and drains the life in her. You want to love but you can't. We spend our days working hard so that we may change lives and build one for our self so that ultimately, there will be time and space and room for a love that will, if not complete, at the very least compliment us and our existence. At this stage of my life, there are chances for many like myself to begin a relationship and risk the possibility of it being restricted or robbed in
that way. But I will do anything and everything in my power to not love that kind of love right now. I know the future is uncertain, but history tells a great deal of what is to be expected, and my record of relationships and luck in life have always taken a downturn far south of sour. I don't think I have enough of a foundation of myself yet or strength in me to endure. I don't want to get hurt again, esp. in that way. My heart could not take it. Maybe it's instinct, the way you pull your hand back when you touch something hot so as to not get burned. Call me a coward, call me irrational, call me stupid-- I don't care. I call it survival.
