courage and choice

I have come to settle amidst much contemplation with the ideas brought up in my Philosophy classes, most notably my Existentialism one. Fear and Trembling, Either/Or, Sickness Unto Death-- all great reads, all which discuss experiences, thoughts, and contemplations I think many people (or at least quite a few acquaintances) have encountered.

I don't know why I choose to despair over this, but I will keep this short until I can figure out a more coherent way of articulating my thoughts. I, like many students before whose academic careers come to its end, am at odds with myself:

I have always floated along happily, existed so contently and perhaps smugly, within the idea of the possibility of me. ME, what and who I could possibly be. The possible "me's" that could exist always seemed far more appealing than the one that actually did exist. What we could be is more fantastical and hopeful than what we are. When an action is taken, when a limit is enforced, possibilities vanish and what was chosen, is.

It takes courage to accept who you are, and yet never actually be content with it. To willingly brave despair over wanting to be better and do better is hard, but it's something we must o. Often times people wish to be content, but that is only a limbo, being stuck in neutral. We have to maintain a yearning and a small sense of discontent. We have to keep moving forward. There is never anything for us which has passed. We may look back in retrospect, but we cannot choose or act in the past. Possibilities diminished cannot exist in the future. The young girl I was is fading away with the diminished possibility of who I can be; who I will be; who I am. I know this that may not make much sense, but again, I'm having a difficult time trying to say what I mean.

That said, I will only say this for now:

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
- ee cummings

I hope I can maintain that courage.