go light your world

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it."
~Lucy Larcom

Now, more than ever, on the eve of the day before my Finals start and the inevitability of my demise is realized, do I understand and accept this fact: I am leaving, for good. Not forever, but for good (reason). When I was younger, I remember my elementary school friends would always snicker at the priest when he said those final words, "Go forth, to love and serve the Lord." Oh, children. Those words have never resonated so strongly within me, reassuring me of what I have to do. I have spent a chunk of my adolescent life "praying"-- asking for things for myself, pleading and bargaining, creating ultimatums, seeking solutions. It was when I hit 15, after my world as I knew it had fallen apart, that I finally stopped all that and truly started praying. 'Conversations with the Big Guy,' as I started to consider them-- conversations that never ended.

I'm in a constant conversation with God, a never-ending dialogue of thoughts and thanks and hopes for the world. I periodically stop to watch squirrels run around, stand in Aldrich Park & watch people go about their lives, never thought it strange that when I'd see the horizon resting softly against the mountain backdrop a feeling of complete happiness and warmth would fill me-- never really thought these things peculiar until a friend pointed it out to me. Even if I'm having the worst day ever, there is always something I see that prompts me to stop and be thankful for living another day and being able to witness such beauty. There is always something beautiful, anytime, anywhere, everywhere.

Maybe that's why I'm not scared of leaving-- because I know I will find beauty and the same sort of faith in life wherever I go. There is beauty in service, in giving of yourself and not simply of your belongings. Friday was one of the longest days I have had in a while, simply because I had to wake up so early at 6AM to do Habitat for Humaity; it also turned out to be one of the most stressful. Yet, while a lot of crap hitting the fan and school sucking happened, I couldn't let myself get too down. Whenever I volunteer for HFH (or anything for that matter), I am humbled back into thinking as a citizen of the world. All my problems are so trifling in comparison to the injustices that are proliferating throughout the rest of the world. How did I let myself become so apathetic when the world is filled with people that aleady are? What a rollercoaster this year has been. An extreme high and feeling alive with Gold to the lowest low and feeling like a zombie. I'm glad, though, for I'll appreciate this all the more when it comes to fruition.

Anyway, while I was shoveling mulch onto the newly planted trees (yay!), I thought I heard a Church song that the DBT mixed chamber choir used to sing for Wednesday mass. It was my favorite song to sing and I remember feeling so happy whenever we did. It's so applicable to how I'm feeling right now, so I'll post some of the lyrics to share and hope it'll spark something.

It's sad that I'm only realizing and finally taking hold of what it is that makes me thrive, what makes me feel alive at the end of my years here at UCI. So many things that could have been done, issues that could have been addressed, situations that could have been helped. But it's ok. I just need to get through these college years-- or, whatever's left of this last year-- with some fire left in me. Oh college academic career... I have hope that I can make the best of you these final 2 quarters. I sure as heck will not go quietly into the night! My time here may be ending soon, but I know I'm still a youngin in comparison to the rest of the world. I won't take that for granted, though, because who's to know how many years I have left before I die? Live, live, live with such ardent ferver and give, give, give with all the heart you've got. I'm a journalist, so I live to tell stories... but I also want to live so that someone would want to tell mine :)

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home

So carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world.

in transit

For a while I had myself fooled. My chest would hurt at the thought of leaving my friends in Irvine, especially those ones whose presence I had grown to find comfort in. I wanted to stretch out my stayas long as possible. And for what? So I could wade in my regression, often finding myself wondering what I'm doing with myself and my time and not why but how I had let myself become so apathetic. For a while I thought that my world would come to a crashing halt if ever I left this place, if ever I found myself pulled in two different directions. Should I stay or should I go? Should I apply or not? Third year returner may seem like a privilege to many and in some regards it very well may be, but it's the time and the heart that really measures the weight of that title. I don't want to be in the midsts of a sought after position, wondering 'what if' and dreaming of being somewhere else. I am satisfied with my experiences in SPOP and more than satisfied with how things went with Gold year. "It's a way of life," I always said. Now it's time I start truly living out those words.

I had grown too comfortable in this space. I found all my old journals, about eight or nine of them, and all my old blogs and the same sentiments resonate throughout all of them. I'm not meant to excel here; I'm not meant for everlasting connections; I'm not meant to have love-- not here, not now. I'm beginning to think that I gave so much of my heart to the people in my life right now because (maybe) subconsciously I knew that ultimately my time with them would be short-lived. So often throughout my writings I expressed a pull to go beyond the streets and buildings I knew, the same faces, the same places, the same stories. I grow antsy if I'm ever in one place too long. I want to see and experience the world. I miss France and everything that came with it. I miss that zest for life, that eagerness to learn and discover. I miss missing home.

Which is why I must leave. I've begun applying for internships, none of which are anywhere near here. Regardless of whether or not I am offered one, I will be traveling in the months after I graduate. I can't stay here; I just can't. There are too many things about this place that sadden me, that still haunt me, that cause me to put all my efforts and care into things that just don't matter. I will always always love those few individuals who have reignited a fire in me & set my soul ablaze, always hold them near and dear in my heart, and I don't think I will ever cease to appreciate those who once made me smile; but I cannot be bound to them if ever I am to grow or attempt to truly make a difference in this world. West Covina doesn't need me, Irvine never did, and Southern California isn't the entire world-- it isn't my world. Not anymore. My rollercoaster of an academic career winds down to this and simply this; to go wherever I am needed to make a difference.

The world is calling, and I will answer.