For a while I had myself fooled. My chest would hurt at the thought of leaving my friends in Irvine, especially those ones whose presence I had grown to find comfort in. I wanted to stretch out my stayas long as possible. And for what? So I could wade in my regression, often finding myself wondering what I'm doing with myself and my time and not why but how I had let myself become so apathetic. For a while I thought that my world would come to a crashing halt if ever I left this place, if ever I found myself pulled in two different directions. Should I stay or should I go? Should I apply or not? Third year returner may seem like a privilege to many and in some regards it very well may be, but it's the time and the heart that really measures the weight of that title. I don't want to be in the midsts of a sought after position, wondering 'what if' and dreaming of being somewhere else. I am satisfied with my experiences in SPOP and more than satisfied with how things went with Gold year. "It's a way of life," I always said. Now it's time I start truly living out those words.
I had grown too comfortable in this space. I found all my old journals, about eight or nine of them, and all my old blogs and the same sentiments resonate throughout all of them. I'm not meant to excel here; I'm not meant for everlasting connections; I'm not meant to have love-- not here, not now. I'm beginning to think that I gave so much of my heart to the people in my life right now because (maybe) subconsciously I knew that ultimately my time with them would be short-lived. So often throughout my writings I expressed a pull to go beyond the streets and buildings I knew, the same faces, the same places, the same stories. I grow antsy if I'm ever in one place too long. I want to see and experience the world. I miss France and everything that came with it. I miss that zest for life, that eagerness to learn and discover. I miss missing home.
Which is why I must leave. I've begun applying for internships, none of which are anywhere near here. Regardless of whether or not I am offered one, I will be traveling in the months after I graduate. I can't stay here; I just can't. There are too many things about this place that sadden me, that still haunt me, that cause me to put all my efforts and care into things that just don't matter. I will always always love those few individuals who have reignited a fire in me & set my soul ablaze, always hold them near and dear in my heart, and I don't think I will ever cease to appreciate those who once made me smile; but I cannot be bound to them if ever I am to grow or attempt to truly make a difference in this world. West Covina doesn't need me, Irvine never did, and Southern California isn't the entire world-- it isn't my world. Not anymore. My rollercoaster of an academic career winds down to this and simply this; to go wherever I am needed to make a difference.
The world is calling, and I will answer.
