arriere pensee

If you'd rather not hear me rant, then X out of this window right now


I have never seen anyone look at me with such doubt and disbelief. And if it had been any other person, I would have brushed it off and laughed, knowing that I would be OK. But it wasn't just any other person; it was my father. The straw that broke the camel's back, after my mother expressed similar thoughts and wishes many months ago.

belief. why is such a short and simple word so hard for them to have?
--- they have it in my brother, in the archaic filipino traditions and silly superstitions, in the stock market and economy and government; in the dozens of stupid "money" trees that litter our household. they have it in almost everything.... except me.

i'm so tired of feeling like i have to prove myself worthy of their money, their love, this stupid stupid last name. i'm not built like the people they grew up with, or their friends' children, or their nephews and nieces, or even my brother. nothing, nothing is sacred to them except money. i have weathered enough cradled in the hands of this extended family and cannot, will not, live the rest of my life bound to a crumbling ideal of 'family' laden with debts and constant deceit; there are greater, far more urgent issues to be dealt with. the scope of their world begins and ends with this last name, while mine does not.

i'm so tired of this place, bound by these freeways, central to every single not-so-distant relative who shares their flawed formula of "THE American dream." you gave me life, and i love you i love you i love you.. but i will not live for you. i will (if you permit) always come back to you, but something much bigger and greater is calling.

i am struggling to open your mind and, in turn, your hearts.
and you?
you say you're struggling to understand how i'm such a bad daughter.
"i guess we've failed," you told me as i looked out the window.
i didn't know what i was searching for..
perhaps some assurance that you really tried.

i shouldn't take this all so hard, but it'd be easier if i didn't hear it and have to grapple with it every single day. should i be angry? i don't feel like it. sad? for a moment, i did. disappointed? yeah. i think, if anything, that's it. but defeated? no. no, not that.