If you'd rather not hear me rant, then X out of this window right now
I have never seen anyone look at me with such doubt and disbelief. And if it had been any other person, I would have brushed it off and laughed, knowing that I would be OK. But it wasn't just any other person; it was my father. The straw that broke the camel's back, after my mother expressed similar thoughts and wishes many months ago.
belief. why is such a short and simple word so hard for them to have?
--- they have it in my brother, in the archaic filipino traditions and silly superstitions, in the stock market and economy and government; in the dozens of stupid "money" trees that litter our household. they have it in almost everything.... except me.
i'm so tired of feeling like i have to prove myself worthy of their money, their love, this stupid stupid last name. i'm not built like the people they grew up with, or their friends' children, or their nephews and nieces, or even my brother. nothing, nothing is sacred to them except money. i have weathered enough cradled in the hands of this extended family and cannot, will not, live the rest of my life bound to a crumbling ideal of 'family' laden with debts and constant deceit; there are greater, far more urgent issues to be dealt with. the scope of their world begins and ends with this last name, while mine does not.
i'm so tired of this place, bound by these freeways, central to every single not-so-distant relative who shares their flawed formula of "THE American dream." you gave me life, and i love you i love you i love you.. but i will not live for you. i will (if you permit) always come back to you, but something much bigger and greater is calling.
i am struggling to open your mind and, in turn, your hearts.
and you?
you say you're struggling to understand how i'm such a bad daughter.
"i guess we've failed," you told me as i looked out the window.
i didn't know what i was searching for..
perhaps some assurance that you really tried.
i shouldn't take this all so hard, but it'd be easier if i didn't hear it and have to grapple with it every single day. should i be angry? i don't feel like it. sad? for a moment, i did. disappointed? yeah. i think, if anything, that's it. but defeated? no. no, not that.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
GMH
Reading Hannah's recent post about her experience with a cab driver really reminded me of this one site. I'm sure a lot of you have already heard about it, but I just thought I'd share it for the rest of you who don't. After reading the daily news, I try to read this site and the Wonderful World section of msnbc.com to offset my sadness [so unfortunate that most of our daily news is sad/bad]. Anyway, it's...
It feels like it's gonna be a good day.
It feels like it's gonna be a good day.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
recrudescence
I had forgotten my purpose and my reason for doing things, putting my effort to and concerning myself with things of no real importance; very petty, infantine matters. I need to remember why I started a new blog in the first place. Redirect.
I read a lot this summer-- a lot. I went on one of my many book-buying binges and bought 8 books while borrowing 3 from the library. I've finished about 9 in total, loss interest in the last 2, and then reread a few books that were my favorites growing up. Rereading books that you loved when you were younger and far less jaded is really refreshing. It reminded me of the things I valued then, when I first read the book, and offered a different way of looking at things now.
I've been doing a lot of research into teaching programs. I know it sounds almost cliched now, as many people have gone/are going to teach abroad, but this is something I've always wanted to do, but not as an afterthought and neither as a short-term thing. I'm going to be gone for a while, and I'm still trying to help my family, especially my parents, deal with that fact. This entire Summer, I've slowly introduced this fact to them. I don't know if they're truly accepting and digesting it, or just blithely brushing it off. Either way, they're no longer opposed to the idea, and I am growing more and more comfortable talking about it. With every day that goes by, next July/Aug grows closer and my excitement and passion for this greater. I was foolish to have lost sight of why I wanted to go to college so badly, so dramatic for buying into the idea that this was the 'end.' This is no end; just a beginning; a stepping stone to get to where I'm going.
I realize just how disconnected I am to people in general. I lived my life through facebook and Twitter, subconsciously believing that a few words there could be substituted for the real-life thing. I forgot how great real things were. And speaking of real things... It was really really good to hear the voices of good friends. I had forgotten how it felt to actually have a conversation on the phone with someone. Of course, nothing could replace a face-to-face conversation (esp.late night ones), but a conversation on the phone is far better than one online or wall-to wall. I used to brush it off, used to hate talking on the phone with people, but I guess I had neglected to consider that content is key. It was good to catch up and hear some positive words.
Combine all the above with the few good friends who ceaselessly fail to help save my sanity (THANKYOU!), and I am ready and excited to start this Fall quarter. I'm pretty sure only like 6 or 7 people actually read this, but thank you for stopping by this blog and seeing what I've been up to and/or have to say.... it's a lot more than I can say for other people. Anywho, I hope everyone that reads this is feeling assured and, if not happy, at least content, with the things and people in their life. I appreciate all 6/7 of you that read this :)
& CONGRATS to Sarah Bana on becoming the new ASUCI EVP. Did we ever doubt it? ;P
I read a lot this summer-- a lot. I went on one of my many book-buying binges and bought 8 books while borrowing 3 from the library. I've finished about 9 in total, loss interest in the last 2, and then reread a few books that were my favorites growing up. Rereading books that you loved when you were younger and far less jaded is really refreshing. It reminded me of the things I valued then, when I first read the book, and offered a different way of looking at things now.
I've been doing a lot of research into teaching programs. I know it sounds almost cliched now, as many people have gone/are going to teach abroad, but this is something I've always wanted to do, but not as an afterthought and neither as a short-term thing. I'm going to be gone for a while, and I'm still trying to help my family, especially my parents, deal with that fact. This entire Summer, I've slowly introduced this fact to them. I don't know if they're truly accepting and digesting it, or just blithely brushing it off. Either way, they're no longer opposed to the idea, and I am growing more and more comfortable talking about it. With every day that goes by, next July/Aug grows closer and my excitement and passion for this greater. I was foolish to have lost sight of why I wanted to go to college so badly, so dramatic for buying into the idea that this was the 'end.' This is no end; just a beginning; a stepping stone to get to where I'm going.
I realize just how disconnected I am to people in general. I lived my life through facebook and Twitter, subconsciously believing that a few words there could be substituted for the real-life thing. I forgot how great real things were. And speaking of real things... It was really really good to hear the voices of good friends. I had forgotten how it felt to actually have a conversation on the phone with someone. Of course, nothing could replace a face-to-face conversation (esp.late night ones), but a conversation on the phone is far better than one online or wall-to wall. I used to brush it off, used to hate talking on the phone with people, but I guess I had neglected to consider that content is key. It was good to catch up and hear some positive words.
Combine all the above with the few good friends who ceaselessly fail to help save my sanity (THANKYOU!), and I am ready and excited to start this Fall quarter. I'm pretty sure only like 6 or 7 people actually read this, but thank you for stopping by this blog and seeing what I've been up to and/or have to say.... it's a lot more than I can say for other people. Anywho, I hope everyone that reads this is feeling assured and, if not happy, at least content, with the things and people in their life. I appreciate all 6/7 of you that read this :)
& CONGRATS to Sarah Bana on becoming the new ASUCI EVP. Did we ever doubt it? ;P
Sunday, September 20, 2009
limbo is more than a dance
I didn't realize that this week was welcome week already. How did that happen?
It feels so strange to be in this limbo; to be starting the beginning of the last quarter. A victory lap, I guess you could say. In a few months, when most are just beginning to settle into the year, I will be ending mine. I'm not fearful of the future or what I'm doing or of 'facing the real word.' I feel pretty comfortable with all those things. I just... I'm feeling so uneasy about seeing people; not 'seeing' as in hanging out or going to lunch. Seeing in the way that I know will happen so often and maybe even sting so hard-- walking by and seeing someone, and simply just seeing someone. I'm sure everyone's had that experience: you're walking on campus and you see someone you used to be friends with, you get a little excited, they see you but don't seem to share your excitement, so you both say a quick 'hi' or give a nod, and just continue with your day. And as much as I hate it, I have a strange feeling I'll be having a lot of those these next 3 months.
I already felt a pull when Summer started and I don't know whether it just went away or if I masked it with activities, but I didn't feel again... until now. I blogged in my other [first] blog about this feeling-- of dimming friendships, lost time, lost wonder, burnt bridges, lost connections. I was fearful of it back then when I really shouldn't have been-- I had the entire rest of the year and Summer to reconnect and hangout with people-- but I should have saved those worries for now. I feel people drifting. I've even had dreams (or were they nightmares?) about bridges collapsing, burning, being disconnected... always disconnected, I feel[fear]. I didn't know how to convey these feelings then-- I believe I still don't now.
I know most people think I'm pretty carefree, seemingly apathetic and a bit wish-washy at times, but it's just because I have so much to say and I don't know how to say it so I just don't. I don't... and a lot of times this hesitancy gets me in trouble, or I miss out on opportunities that I wholly regret later. So I keep things bottled up, and perhaps the only time these things ever emerge are through paper & pen or the rare talk with my brudder Suj or Moncrief or Layla or Norby---all people who knew that I was more than just a joke and actually stopped to take me seriously, all who (I suddenly realized) are graduated and gone. Of course, I'm not too worried with those 4 because I know our friendships run deep. I just thought I'd have these other people left to get through this last quarter at UCI with but, like I said, I know these people have have drifted-- going, going, gone. And it feels so weird, because I'm not angry-- there's really nothing to be angry about; it just happened. And I know "no two paths are ever the same" (Teal, holla!), but I guess I just didn't foresee this bend in the road would come so abruptly, leading us to different places in our lives so soon. As an upside, this extra time has allowed me to reconnect with a few friends, but without the convenience of Summer and the luxury of close proximity, (even if I try and try and try) it seems hard to maintain equal effort.
This whirlwind of a Summer is coming to a close for us all. I am at once anxious and unnerved to see where everyone will stand once the dust has settled.
It feels so strange to be in this limbo; to be starting the beginning of the last quarter. A victory lap, I guess you could say. In a few months, when most are just beginning to settle into the year, I will be ending mine. I'm not fearful of the future or what I'm doing or of 'facing the real word.' I feel pretty comfortable with all those things. I just... I'm feeling so uneasy about seeing people; not 'seeing' as in hanging out or going to lunch. Seeing in the way that I know will happen so often and maybe even sting so hard-- walking by and seeing someone, and simply just seeing someone. I'm sure everyone's had that experience: you're walking on campus and you see someone you used to be friends with, you get a little excited, they see you but don't seem to share your excitement, so you both say a quick 'hi' or give a nod, and just continue with your day. And as much as I hate it, I have a strange feeling I'll be having a lot of those these next 3 months.
I already felt a pull when Summer started and I don't know whether it just went away or if I masked it with activities, but I didn't feel again... until now. I blogged in my other [first] blog about this feeling-- of dimming friendships, lost time, lost wonder, burnt bridges, lost connections. I was fearful of it back then when I really shouldn't have been-- I had the entire rest of the year and Summer to reconnect and hangout with people-- but I should have saved those worries for now. I feel people drifting. I've even had dreams (or were they nightmares?) about bridges collapsing, burning, being disconnected... always disconnected, I feel[fear]. I didn't know how to convey these feelings then-- I believe I still don't now.
I know most people think I'm pretty carefree, seemingly apathetic and a bit wish-washy at times, but it's just because I have so much to say and I don't know how to say it so I just don't. I don't... and a lot of times this hesitancy gets me in trouble, or I miss out on opportunities that I wholly regret later. So I keep things bottled up, and perhaps the only time these things ever emerge are through paper & pen or the rare talk with my brudder Suj or Moncrief or Layla or Norby---all people who knew that I was more than just a joke and actually stopped to take me seriously, all who (I suddenly realized) are graduated and gone. Of course, I'm not too worried with those 4 because I know our friendships run deep. I just thought I'd have these other people left to get through this last quarter at UCI with but, like I said, I know these people have have drifted-- going, going, gone. And it feels so weird, because I'm not angry-- there's really nothing to be angry about; it just happened. And I know "no two paths are ever the same" (Teal, holla!), but I guess I just didn't foresee this bend in the road would come so abruptly, leading us to different places in our lives so soon. As an upside, this extra time has allowed me to reconnect with a few friends, but without the convenience of Summer and the luxury of close proximity, (even if I try and try and try) it seems hard to maintain equal effort.
This whirlwind of a Summer is coming to a close for us all. I am at once anxious and unnerved to see where everyone will stand once the dust has settled.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
invincible summer
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."
albert camus
albert camus
This summer has been a rollercoaster, but I feel most things in life are just that way. Keeps things... exciting, I guess. I'm still dealing with being at home, living at home, and living with my parents (especially my mom) at home. I constantly have to remind myself to not get too comfortable. The point of coming back home was to reconcile myself with the people I left (some might say 'abandoned') and things I ran away from. Every encounter with someone or something from home feels like deja vu or, at the very least, like I'm interacting with ghosts... A very ethereal (or maybe is it unreal..?) veil lays upon all my days here. I keep forgetting to remember that I'm not staying here forever, not settling down, just not... not done growing. My brudder and I talked about my being home and I told him that, although I've been home only a few months, a great part of me feels like I'm regressing-- into old habits, circles, ways of thinking. I know some people hope that when they go home, things would be exactly as they left it, unchanged. I would have to disagree... I don't like feeling as though the past 4 years didn't happen. I want to feel like this, this, was all worth something for me-- and then some. (Adolescence was fun, but ignorance is not.)
I'm not sure what I'm getting at. I'm kind of all over the place, feeling the imminent end of my time here growing closer and closer. I still know what I want, and I still want it just as bad. It's just difficult right now finding a way to move forward without completely detaching myself from the past. Let's just say I'm trying to find a (successful) way to downsize all my baggage into this little carry-on.
And my mom? She is better-- not perfect, not good, not fine, but just better. And right now, that's all I could ask for. I've been making an effort to take her out more and talk to her, but it's still hard; maybe even harder now because, since I'm the only person of late who will listen to her and attempt to offer advice, she tells me everything.... and sometimes, knowing everything isn't the best thing.
Aside from those gripes, everything is going well. Good things are happening to good friends, and I really feel happier and a lot more content simply knowing this. As for other, well, "friends": I'm sorting out friendships. That sounds really bad, but I'm just being honest. I always used to say, 'I've got a lot of acquaintances that call themselves friends,' & I often mistook someone's curiosity for sincere concern, offering so much of myself and my friendship and receiving little to nothing in return, unaware of my simple error. So I'm re-evaluating all the effort I put forth and redistributing it to people who truly appreciate and deserve it, in a way that does not leave me feeling short-ended. I feel happier and much more content doing this-- as though the quality of conversations and relationships and even just HUGS is better-- and as a result, those friendships are doing great. I have had an incredible past few weeks :] It's crazy how a few good experiences or days or even nights can recharge you for the many months and seasons ahead. But I guess, the same can be said for a few good friends.
There's just something about the late night Summer air that does something to me, as though it were filled with hope and wonder and possibility, and that every time I breathe it in I am reinvigorated with all these things. Inspired. Enlivened.
Oh, it's one thing to be alive and another to feel alive.
It's good to feel alive :)
I'm not sure what I'm getting at. I'm kind of all over the place, feeling the imminent end of my time here growing closer and closer. I still know what I want, and I still want it just as bad. It's just difficult right now finding a way to move forward without completely detaching myself from the past. Let's just say I'm trying to find a (successful) way to downsize all my baggage into this little carry-on.
And my mom? She is better-- not perfect, not good, not fine, but just better. And right now, that's all I could ask for. I've been making an effort to take her out more and talk to her, but it's still hard; maybe even harder now because, since I'm the only person of late who will listen to her and attempt to offer advice, she tells me everything.... and sometimes, knowing everything isn't the best thing.
Aside from those gripes, everything is going well. Good things are happening to good friends, and I really feel happier and a lot more content simply knowing this. As for other, well, "friends": I'm sorting out friendships. That sounds really bad, but I'm just being honest. I always used to say, 'I've got a lot of acquaintances that call themselves friends,' & I often mistook someone's curiosity for sincere concern, offering so much of myself and my friendship and receiving little to nothing in return, unaware of my simple error. So I'm re-evaluating all the effort I put forth and redistributing it to people who truly appreciate and deserve it, in a way that does not leave me feeling short-ended. I feel happier and much more content doing this-- as though the quality of conversations and relationships and even just HUGS is better-- and as a result, those friendships are doing great. I have had an incredible past few weeks :] It's crazy how a few good experiences or days or even nights can recharge you for the many months and seasons ahead. But I guess, the same can be said for a few good friends.
There's just something about the late night Summer air that does something to me, as though it were filled with hope and wonder and possibility, and that every time I breathe it in I am reinvigorated with all these things. Inspired. Enlivened.
Oh, it's one thing to be alive and another to feel alive.
It's good to feel alive :)
Monday, September 07, 2009
to music
with janet and the jacksons,
my ABCs and 123s,
learning left the classroom onto
two dancing feet.
a rhythm nation compilation of issues
affecting the why and the how,
i saw, i see, i started to believe
in the change i still believe in now.
and through the darkest of days,
the coldest of hours,
you would not let me admit defeat.
resurrected with the tune,
(inspired by you)
i lived cradled in the comfort of the beat.
in retrospect you were
the greatest
my favorite
the reason i be,
revisiting,
remembering,
reloving
the 13-year old me.
*
dear music,
thanks for saving me.
my ABCs and 123s,
learning left the classroom onto
two dancing feet.
a rhythm nation compilation of issues
affecting the why and the how,
i saw, i see, i started to believe
in the change i still believe in now.
and through the darkest of days,
the coldest of hours,
you would not let me admit defeat.
resurrected with the tune,
(inspired by you)
i lived cradled in the comfort of the beat.
in retrospect you were
the greatest
my favorite
the reason i be,
revisiting,
remembering,
reloving
the 13-year old me.
*
dear music,
thanks for saving me.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
mentuer.
I'm not quite sure 'angry' is the right word for this. It's stupid, really, and I don't know why I'm reacting this harshly, but I can't lie. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. The whole situation is reminiscent of one that occurred during my freshman year of college; one that turned my whole world upside down and left the most hollow feeling. It was a foreign feeling then, one I had never experienced before or since-- til now. And maybe that's why I'm feeling such an amalgamation of feelings: anger, frustration, confusion, rage, disappointment, betrayal, helplessness, hurt.. You'd think that getting royally screwed over & lied to once would be enough, but I guess not. Another year, another person, another lie. It's ok. (right?) After tonight, I won't mention this again. I won't let you see me this affected. I need to stop being so trusting; I need to stop expecting so much from people; I need to stop living so blindly; I need to stop caring about things and people far more than they care about me; I need to stop believing. I need to stop believing. I need to stop believing. I need to stop... Dammit. I can't think that way... I'm pretty sure that, despite my best efforts, I'll continue to believe-- in things, ideologies, feelings, places, people...
It's just...
Why does caring hurt so much sometimes?
It's just...
Why does caring hurt so much sometimes?
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