invincible summer

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."
albert camus

This summer has been a rollercoaster, but I feel most things in life are just that way. Keeps things... exciting, I guess. I'm still dealing with being at home, living at home, and living with my parents (especially my mom) at home. I constantly have to remind myself to not get too comfortable. The point of coming back home was to reconcile myself with the people I left (some might say 'abandoned') and things I ran away from. Every encounter with someone or something from home feels like deja vu or, at the very least, like I'm interacting with ghosts... A very ethereal (or maybe is it unreal..?) veil lays upon all my days here. I keep forgetting to remember that I'm not staying here forever, not settling down, just not... not done growing. My brudder and I talked about my being home and I told him that, although I've been home only a few months, a great part of me feels like I'm regressing-- into old habits, circles, ways of thinking. I know some people hope that when they go home, things would be exactly as they left it, unchanged. I would have to disagree... I don't like feeling as though the past 4 years didn't happen. I want to feel like this, this, was all worth something for me-- and then some. (Adolescence was fun, but ignorance is not.)

I'm not sure what I'm getting at. I'm kind of all over the place, feeling the imminent end of my time here growing closer and closer. I still know what I want, and I still want it just as bad. It's just difficult right now finding a way to move forward without completely detaching myself from the past. Let's just say I'm trying to find a (successful) way to downsize all my baggage into this little carry-on.

And my mom? She is better-- not perfect, not good, not fine, but just better. And right now, that's all I could ask for. I've been making an effort to take her out more and talk to her, but it's still hard; maybe even harder now because, since I'm the only person of late who will listen to her and attempt to offer advice, she tells me everything.... and sometimes, knowing everything isn't the best thing.

Aside from those gripes, everything is going well. Good things are happening to good friends, and I really feel happier and a lot more content simply knowing this. As for other, well, "friends": I'm sorting out friendships. That sounds really bad, but I'm just being honest. I always used to say, 'I've got a lot of acquaintances that call themselves friends,' & I often mistook someone's curiosity for sincere concern, offering so much of myself and my friendship and receiving little to nothing in return, unaware of my simple error. So I'm re-evaluating all the effort I put forth and redistributing it to people who truly appreciate and deserve it, in a way that does not leave me feeling short-ended. I feel happier and much more content doing this-- as though the quality of conversations and relationships and even just HUGS is better-- and as a result, those friendships are doing great. I have had an incredible past few weeks :] It's crazy how a few good experiences or days or even nights can recharge you for the many months and seasons ahead. But I guess, the same can be said for a few good friends.

There's just something about the late night Summer air that does something to me, as though it were filled with hope and wonder and possibility, and that every time I breathe it in I am reinvigorated with all these things. Inspired. Enlivened.

Oh, it's one thing to be alive and another to feel alive.
It's good to feel alive :)