everything as it was

nothing changes if nothing changes.

I shouldn't have made that deal, shouldn't have come back.

I wish I hadn't gotten on that plane.

I liked myself-- and you-- a lot better

when we were 6,000 miles and oceans apart.

Patience

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting-- that is laziness.
But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience."

Patience-- it's something that's come up a lot with experiences in the teaching program I'm doing. I'm not quite sure why it is exactly, but almost everyone I have come across has such an intolerance for having to wait... for anything. They have problems with waiting for a lagger, problems with waiting for a drink or a table or food, problems with waiting for a metro train, and most importantly (i think), problems with waiting for students. So many of the people in my program cannot tolerate a slow learner or a class that does not comprehend; so many will not put up with a colleague who does not follow, or one who does not speak just as fast.

I'm not quite sure why, but it's become an issue for me. I like to think that I'm a pretty patient person, but I know I can be impatient at times. The thing is, having been with these people for a while, I realized just how important patience is. Patience can mean starting a night off on a good note instead of a sour one; it can mean a student being able to catch up and finally understand instead of feeling stupid and inadequate; it can mean one's will being strengthened instead of being broken; it can mean settling for less when you know you deserve more.

This whole late-night thought has been brought to motion by a good friend's recent acceptance into Pharmacy School. Regina planned her life out so perfectly, and when things didn't exactly go according to plan, instead of just giving up and settling for less, she pushed through and held on-- waited-- for an entire year. While some people may have thought it crazy to wait one year, to put your life on hold just because you won't take 'no' for an answer, because you want and believe you deserve more-- she didn't care. And all that waiting, all that doubt, all that happened or didn't happen in that one year, everything, was worth it because she finally got what she deserved. And I find that so refreshing, so amazing, so brave-- to put your belief into something so wholeheartedly and simply wait, have patience, have faith--and actually see it through to the point of affirmation. How great is it when active patience is duly rewarded?

This is going into a weird direction, but I guess I just want to recognize the power of patience. So often you hear people talking about being proactive and being aggressive, but I've always been more the kind of person who mulls over something forever on end before making a move. Sometimes-- or often times-- people tell me it's a terrible thing to do, to wait for so long instead of doing something right away to achieve quick results. What most people fail to understand is that I'm not just floating along aimlessly anymore-- I have a destination, finally. And while my life for the past few months has not been the most exciting, exhilarating, or most profitable thing ever, it is a life that is lived in steady motion on a course set for a mark that I believe is worth all this wait.

I know I'm not making bank or rank or garnering any accomplished titles or fame with the things I'm doing, but as I learned from my teaching mentor, after all is said and done, no matter how great or how seemingly insignificant a lesson, if the aim is achieved, then nothing else matters. I aim to make a difference somehow, and if that means that things have to be steadily tough for quite a while, then I will hold on for as long as it takes to see this course through. When it comes to things that really matter, when the outcome really rings throughout the heart, I firmly believe that patience is a gift, and that it is always always worth the wait.

Be patient with the course on which you are sailing; the winds and tide will change soon enough. For now, while you can, enjoy the ride-- however fast or slow it may be.

another from bukowski

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind... It could mean derision. It could mean mockery—isolation. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like it. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

Charles Bukowski / Factotum

No more half-assing my way through life, coasting on the familiar college comfort of just "getting by." If I'm gonna put things on the line-- relationships, money, time -- then I have to give 100% and then some. If I don't, then why even try? "Trying" is more than just starting, more than a single attempt, more than just one piece of me my body my mind being put into motion. It is an active effort of every inch and piece of me, a continuous attempt to make that day count. You don't begin saying a joke for nothing; you see it through-- you do it for the punch line and the feeling of what you started being realized. When I look back on the things in my life and say "Well, I tried," I want to know that I really did try; that it's not just an excuse. I want to mean it. Because if I can truthfully say that, if I can believe that I pushed through day-to-day life for something more than just that, then the end result (no matter what it may be) would give meaning to everything else. It would be worth it-- all of it.

So here's to trying.

in other news...

I am leaving for Spain in two weeks.

I am at once really nervous and insanely excited. I know it's been a while since I last posted anything, but I really do hope everyone is doing well. Easter and Spring Break are coming up... I guess it's that time again for new beginnings :)

And just because I really like this quote (and partly to reassure myself), I leave you with this:

"There is a loftier ambition than merely
to stand high in the world: it is to stoop down
and lift mankind a little higher."

henry van dyke

: ) + ♥ ♥ ♥ !

letters to _____

dear ____,

i pray that when that Thursday comes, i will still have enough faith in myself for the both of us. and months from now, when the Friday which you have been longing for arrives, i hope that by then (or perhaps in the time after) you will think better of me.

sincerely,
stacy

the FINAL finals ::insert dramatic music here::

Congratulations to all those who are done with finals!! Time to celebrate by going to the pub and getting drunk or going to Vegas or, if you're like me, sleeping and rewatching all the Disney Pixar movies with me, myself, and I.

Anyway, finals week really wasn't a week for me. It's not even completely over, but it is for me. I had a final Philosophy of Jurisprudence discourse due Monday morning and one in-class final after lunch. After that, I had up until today to just tweak my digital teaching portfolio and go to an optional final meeting for my Teaching English Internationally class. Although I had to wake up early and sit through hour-and-a-half long traffic for an optional meeting that I didn't need, I am actually glad I went-- really, really glad. There was only a handful (ie 7 or so) of us there and I knew absolutely no one, but through our discussions of teaching aspirations and global service I got to know those 7 or so people in a way I don't think I have ever known any previous classmates. No one has ever prompted me to discuss such things in that manner-- which is not to say that I was opposed to it, it's just that I don't think anyone's ever wanted to engage in such a serious conversation with me-- but I am also really glad that they did.

I was pretty much done with my website long before Tuesday, so I ended up just going around helping everyone else with theirs and then staying late to talk to my teacher, Sonja. Words can't describe how much I appreciate and am grateful for that talk she and I had. I was a little hesitant to speak to her, because she always felt just a little cold and I wasn't too sure if she'd open up to me, but she was actually really cool. In fact, she's fucking hilarious. But she offered me something in those 10 minutes that no one in my entire collegiate career (except for my HumCore teacher aka the crazy curly-haired redhead that works at the pub) has ever offered me: reassurance. I asked her for advice on what programs to look into and what career moves to make, especially since I wasn't an Education minor. I confessed to her my struggle to synthesize the two parts of my life I hold closest. Although she never mentioned it in class, her work centers on global teaching in service (her parents were Christian missionaries). She had read my statement/philosophy of teaching and told me that I was a lot like her; that she saw so much of herself in me. She said something to me as we both walked out of the Education department. I wish every single person I know could, at some point in their life, feel that same feeling I felt the moment her words settled within me.... An early Christmas gift, I guess you could say. At any rate, I left feeling not so much elated as I did clear-minded and more determined.

As if that wasn't enough, after much praying and insistence (and restless nights & fights & frustration), they've finally accepted it. I was so fearful this moment wouldn't come, but it has. It finally has. It doesn't matter if things don't pan out the way I plan them to, or if my life takes me in a completely different direction-- it's the fact that they've finally consented to not to have to consent; that they've begun to really understand and for once, actually listen; that they're starting to let go; that they believe in me. Maybe they always have, but in the past that 'belief' felt so much more like an expectation than an active belief. But it's different now. Maybe I'm jumping the gun and getting too far ahead of myself, but I hope this isn't just a momentary feeling or condition. I really hope it isn't.

Right now, I am feeling lucky and blessed to have ended my college career feeling so inspired and with such reassurance. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday gift. I don't know what else to say, except... Thank You.

the crunch

this has nothing to do with anything, really, and i'm probably just using this as a distraction from my philosophy paper (ok, so I AM) but i honestly believe that i might have loved Charles Bukowski in another life. or adored him. or something.

he is one of my favorite --if not my absolute favorite-- writer(s)/poet(s). if you follow my Tumblr, perhaps you already know that i went on a crazy spree this past Summer and drove all around southern California looking for his out of print works, guzzling gallons of gas, and inhaling dust from old used bookstores. it was great. anyway, i guess i'll just get to the main reason of this post: as i was starting to write my essay, i was struggling with how i am to write this final discourse. growing up, our education has taught us to write with increasing sophistication essays and papers filled with uncommonly pompous words for which we probably consulted a thesaurus. in philosophy, the task in writing is not to spit out puffed up papers with fancy writing on simple ideas, but to simplify in as few words as possible the most complex ideas to give way for a better, more complete understanding. this led me to a tangent on writing and how, although i thoroughly enjoy fantastical poetry, most of the work that truly moves me is crafted in the simplest of ways with the simplest of words.

aaaaand here is where Bukowski comes in. his writing is so raw and so simple and moves me to no end. i wish there was a resurgence of beat gen. writers or maybe a new movement of writers who share the same idea(l)s. i think things are complicated enough as it is; we need literature to help simplify the base of our lives.

for your reading pleasure, i present to you a condensed version of my favorite Bukowski poem, " T h e C r u n c h."

Good luck on Finals, everyone!

& of course
Congratulations to the new 2010 SPOP Coords
:)