the crunch

this has nothing to do with anything, really, and i'm probably just using this as a distraction from my philosophy paper (ok, so I AM) but i honestly believe that i might have loved Charles Bukowski in another life. or adored him. or something.

he is one of my favorite --if not my absolute favorite-- writer(s)/poet(s). if you follow my Tumblr, perhaps you already know that i went on a crazy spree this past Summer and drove all around southern California looking for his out of print works, guzzling gallons of gas, and inhaling dust from old used bookstores. it was great. anyway, i guess i'll just get to the main reason of this post: as i was starting to write my essay, i was struggling with how i am to write this final discourse. growing up, our education has taught us to write with increasing sophistication essays and papers filled with uncommonly pompous words for which we probably consulted a thesaurus. in philosophy, the task in writing is not to spit out puffed up papers with fancy writing on simple ideas, but to simplify in as few words as possible the most complex ideas to give way for a better, more complete understanding. this led me to a tangent on writing and how, although i thoroughly enjoy fantastical poetry, most of the work that truly moves me is crafted in the simplest of ways with the simplest of words.

aaaaand here is where Bukowski comes in. his writing is so raw and so simple and moves me to no end. i wish there was a resurgence of beat gen. writers or maybe a new movement of writers who share the same idea(l)s. i think things are complicated enough as it is; we need literature to help simplify the base of our lives.

for your reading pleasure, i present to you a condensed version of my favorite Bukowski poem, " T h e C r u n c h."

Good luck on Finals, everyone!

& of course
Congratulations to the new 2010 SPOP Coords
:)

just a quote.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey."

meg cabot

fleeting

"We cannot know for certain how long we have here. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot know God's plan for us...

What we can do is to live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and love, and joy. We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves. We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we can strive at all costs to make a better world, so that someday, if we are blessed with the chance to look back on our time here, we can know that we spent it well; that we made a difference ; that our fleeting presence had a lasting impact on the lives of other human beings."

barack obama

I think I would die happily if I knew that I fought the good fight (whatever it may be), no matter the length of my stay here on this Earth. Maybe it's because I'm young and have yet to feel the pull of old age, but I find it-- for lack of a better word-- interesting how my parents put so much emphasis on growing old and retiring as their ultimate goal. I think of how they measure their happiness now and it saddens me somewhat. For example, they use their faith as an excuse for doing things; I see it as part of my reason. Sometimes I wish we shared the same views on life and work and service; alas, we do not.

But I'm trying to savor every good feeling and memory, and writing (or perhaps recording?) it all to remind me of how things are (were?). These people and things are beautiful, beautiful, I know; perhaps even more so amidst their flaws. Sometimes things can get heavy, but I'm thankful I'm allowed some room to breathe, even if it's just their way of humoring me and my so-called "wishful thinking." I'm just taking it as fuel for the fire, and all the more reason for me to hit the ground running. The rest of me is working really hard playing catch up with where my heart wants to be.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that you were able to get some rest in. I can't believe it's already 10th week. Wowowee.... We're making our way 'round to the home stretch now-- just two more weeks, my friends :]

holiday parties & prep

...have always been my least favorite time of the year. The in-between days always seemed to matter the most to me. But these huge parties just drain and frustrate me. I have a huge family, so parties and dinners come in never-ending waves where one aunt always tries to outdo the other. I don't understand how they can take something so simple, something so genuinely good and simple-- like spending time together, laughing together, eating a good albeit (usually) unsophisticated meal together-- and turn it into something I've come to loathe. It's become one big terrible showcase. Cooking, which I normally love, becomes a task and a chore at this time. The best kind of meals come from cooking with love, and I hate feeling rushed or pressured. Nothing EVER tastes good to me, and it's THANKSGIVING for cryin' out loud! That SUCKS. Then there's the fake, biting conversations; the judgmental questions and comments; the searing stares and not-so-whispers; yadda yadda yadda. I don't recall the last time I truly enjoyed the company present at these family events. Even holiday dinners at home are laced with deep-seeded resentments and stuffed with an awkward silence so thick we can barely breathe to chew our food.

I hate the feeling lately that this environment is what's holding me back from doing what I want to, what I must do. My vision is getting clearer, and yet I still feel like I'm constantly walking through a fog. I don't know how things got so complicated for me. Sometimes I feel like there's no honest or genuine magic left in this season. I turn to my cousins to help me get by, but I know they have their own families and children to tend to; and friends are far and fleeting, although I am beyond grateful for the handful of ones still here who still reach out. I hope they know how much I appreciate their friendship, and just how much they mean to me.

What's getting me through these days is the knowledge that it will soon be over, and that real work (work that truly matters) will soon begin. I'm trying to pack my Winter Break with good company to avoid the hollow feeling these family events leave me with, and looking at what I have so far, I think I'll be seeing a lot of San Francisco this December and (hopefully!) Napa when this year turns to next. Oh! And I've been having the worst bouts of insomnia lately. I haven't gone to bed before 3AM lately and it's really screwing me over. I guess I'm just getting antsy. There is so much work waiting to be done; so much that is ready to happen.

I do hope your Holidays-- and well, why not ALL days?-- find you in good company; in comfort, in love. <3

arriere pensee

If you'd rather not hear me rant, then X out of this window right now


I have never seen anyone look at me with such doubt and disbelief. And if it had been any other person, I would have brushed it off and laughed, knowing that I would be OK. But it wasn't just any other person; it was my father. The straw that broke the camel's back, after my mother expressed similar thoughts and wishes many months ago.

belief. why is such a short and simple word so hard for them to have?
--- they have it in my brother, in the archaic filipino traditions and silly superstitions, in the stock market and economy and government; in the dozens of stupid "money" trees that litter our household. they have it in almost everything.... except me.

i'm so tired of feeling like i have to prove myself worthy of their money, their love, this stupid stupid last name. i'm not built like the people they grew up with, or their friends' children, or their nephews and nieces, or even my brother. nothing, nothing is sacred to them except money. i have weathered enough cradled in the hands of this extended family and cannot, will not, live the rest of my life bound to a crumbling ideal of 'family' laden with debts and constant deceit; there are greater, far more urgent issues to be dealt with. the scope of their world begins and ends with this last name, while mine does not.

i'm so tired of this place, bound by these freeways, central to every single not-so-distant relative who shares their flawed formula of "THE American dream." you gave me life, and i love you i love you i love you.. but i will not live for you. i will (if you permit) always come back to you, but something much bigger and greater is calling.

i am struggling to open your mind and, in turn, your hearts.
and you?
you say you're struggling to understand how i'm such a bad daughter.
"i guess we've failed," you told me as i looked out the window.
i didn't know what i was searching for..
perhaps some assurance that you really tried.

i shouldn't take this all so hard, but it'd be easier if i didn't hear it and have to grapple with it every single day. should i be angry? i don't feel like it. sad? for a moment, i did. disappointed? yeah. i think, if anything, that's it. but defeated? no. no, not that.

GMH

Reading Hannah's recent post about her experience with a cab driver really reminded me of this one site. I'm sure a lot of you have already heard about it, but I just thought I'd share it for the rest of you who don't. After reading the daily news, I try to read this site and the Wonderful World section of msnbc.com to offset my sadness [so unfortunate that most of our daily news is sad/bad]. Anyway, it's...

Gives Me Hope. com

It feels like it's gonna be a good day.

recrudescence

I had forgotten my purpose and my reason for doing things, putting my effort to and concerning myself with things of no real importance; very petty, infantine matters. I need to remember why I started a new blog in the first place. Redirect.

I read a lot this summer-- a lot. I went on one of my many book-buying binges and bought 8 books while borrowing 3 from the library. I've finished about 9 in total, loss interest in the last 2, and then reread a few books that were my favorites growing up. Rereading books that you loved when you were younger and far less jaded is really refreshing. It reminded me of the things I valued then, when I first read the book, and offered a different way of looking at things now.

I've been doing a lot of research into teaching programs. I know it sounds almost cliched now, as many people have gone/are going to teach abroad, but this is something I've always wanted to do, but not as an afterthought and neither as a short-term thing. I'm going to be gone for a while, and I'm still trying to help my family, especially my parents, deal with that fact. This entire Summer, I've slowly introduced this fact to them. I don't know if they're truly accepting and digesting it, or just blithely brushing it off. Either way, they're no longer opposed to the idea, and I am growing more and more comfortable talking about it. With every day that goes by, next July/Aug grows closer and my excitement and passion for this greater. I was foolish to have lost sight of why I wanted to go to college so badly, so dramatic for buying into the idea that this was the 'end.' This is no end; just a beginning; a stepping stone to get to where I'm going.

I realize just how disconnected I am to people in general. I lived my life through facebook and Twitter, subconsciously believing that a few words there could be substituted for the real-life thing. I forgot how great real things were. And speaking of real things... It was really really good to hear the voices of good friends. I had forgotten how it felt to actually have a conversation on the phone with someone. Of course, nothing could replace a face-to-face conversation (esp.late night ones), but a conversation on the phone is far better than one online or wall-to wall. I used to brush it off, used to hate talking on the phone with people, but I guess I had neglected to consider that content is key. It was good to catch up and hear some positive words.

Combine all the above with the few good friends who ceaselessly fail to help save my sanity (THANKYOU!), and I am ready and excited to start this Fall quarter. I'm pretty sure only like 6 or 7 people actually read this, but thank you for stopping by this blog and seeing what I've been up to and/or have to say.... it's a lot more than I can say for other people. Anywho, I hope everyone that reads this is feeling assured and, if not happy, at least content, with the things and people in their life. I appreciate all 6/7 of you that read this :)

& CONGRATS to Sarah Bana on becoming the new ASUCI EVP. Did we ever doubt it? ;P